It was three years yesterday that you died. I found a small spiritualist church and did my best to sing with joy.
The minister said she had a message for me, that the fog would soon lift and all would be clear. But what I really wanted to hear was that you were still near.
I asked the angels to send me a sign. I asked for a hawk, for I don't see them much any more.
I sat in the sun and waited. I sat so still and meditated.
I heard the woodpecker knock, I heard the birds sing. But no sign of you and still no hawk.
It was time to move on, I got in the car and started my way back up the winding road.
That's when I saw it, then another, then one more. Swooping and gliding in the sky, three hawks so beautiful, I had to cry.
So I guess you are still with me after all, there when I 'm falling apart and there to break my fall. I know I must do better and I really do try.
It's just that I miss you so terribly and have found it hard to move on.
But this year will be different, I promise you that, for I am stronger now and ready to follow my heart.
And the next time I start missing you and getting down, I will do my best instead of tears, to honour you with a joyous song.
I wish we'd said goodbye, Mum, and not just goodnight. We'd had some laughs, we were tired and I thought you'd be alright. I miss you already, you've been my Pillar Of Strength. You were more than my mother, you were also my friend.
I was always so far, but you made me feel near. I'd call at midnight when you said it would be quiet, we would talk for hours until we set the world right.
I feel so alone now without you by my side. I feel so lost now, but know I must let go and celebrate with joy, for you're finally with Dad and I mustn't feel annoyed. For eight years have passed and you're together at last.
I caught you looking up through the window so late at night, you said Dad had promised he'd always be the brightest star shining down on you so bright.
Who will I call now, with whom shall I share? I feel so alone now that you're gone. But I imagine you're happy and probably in constant song.
It's my turn now to look up through the window at night, and find the two stars that shine down so bright. I'll know then that you're still with me and I can say goodnight.
I'll carry you forever in my heart and my mind. You'll never be too far, I'll keep you near. For you've been more than my mother, you've been my friend, and in my heart you'll be there always as my Pillar Of Strength.
Diolch am popeth, Mum.
written on Jauary 18, 2006
Happy New Year! I want to be kind, but am at a slight loss on showing gopher love. Until a few days ago I'd never seen one. Encountered plenty of holes, but still had this cute version of 'Caddy Shack' in mind. My son did declare ' Mum, you do realize that was a puppet, right?' Of course I did, but still...! Anyway, this has got to be the boldest critter attitude I've ever come across. Yesterday, he worked his way through eighteen holes in two hours. Mounds and mounds all the way from the front yard all the way through the back. Today he comes back up through them pulling greens down through them. He would come within three feet, stare right at me and only retreat when he heard the camera. I don't know which one of us is worse, me with the camera out for hours, or him with his holes.
i'd never seen one
